Random: Now that's one evil little dog ...

[nebroadwe]

Today, thanks to the good offices of nateprentice (who need not offer me any other birthday present now), I read the funniest "Pets: Who Knows What They're Really Thinking?" piece I've seen since Charlie Stross posted his little riff on the interior life of cats a month of Sundays ago. littera_abactor had a go-round with his dog and some root vegetables, which is "summarized in conversation form" over here. I quote from it this excerpt to give you some idea why I was stuffing a handkerchief into my mouth at work:

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Please, go and read the whole anecdote. Put down your coffee/tea/juice/champagne first, though. And have a handkerchief handy.

Comments

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Just to say: this dialog was awesome, and required me to go and read the whole thing... the last line of which I feel is probably the very best one.... though... the part about the sound of eating a wet baseball bat was also pretty amusing in and of itself.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I find myself reading this piece out loud all the time now -- the dialogue begs to be declaimed. (It helps that I've met littera_abactor a couple of times and can hear his over-the-top delivery rather clearly. :-) But possibly even more giggle-inducing for me are the stage directions, like the Victorian-heroine line and the taking-ten-minutes-to-remember-what-I-was-doing line. Snortle.