Random: Now that's one evil little dog ...

[nebroadwe]

Today, thanks to the good offices of nateprentice (who need not offer me any other birthday present now), I read the funniest "Pets: Who Knows What They're Really Thinking?" piece I've seen since Charlie Stross posted his little riff on the interior life of cats a month of Sundays ago. littera_abactor had a go-round with his dog and some root vegetables, which is "summarized in conversation form" over here. I quote from it this excerpt to give you some idea why I was stuffing a handkerchief into my mouth at work:

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Please, go and read the whole anecdote. Put down your coffee/tea/juice/champagne first, though. And have a handkerchief handy.

Comments

[ishte.livejournal.com]

Just to say: this dialog was awesome, and required me to go and read the whole thing... the last line of which I feel is probably the very best one.... though... the part about the sound of eating a wet baseball bat was also pretty amusing in and of itself.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I am nodding so hard in regard to this post I'm about to have my neck crack. Yes. My elds would do just that. *nods*

Thanks for the link! (must share, must share)

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I find myself reading this piece out loud all the time now -- the dialogue begs to be declaimed. (It helps that I've met littera_abactor a couple of times and can hear his over-the-top delivery rather clearly. :-) But possibly even more giggle-inducing for me are the stage directions, like the Victorian-heroine line and the taking-ten-minutes-to-remember-what-I-was-doing line. Snortle.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I thought you might appreciate this. Heck, I only dog-sit occasionally and I was suddenly recalling all the conversations I've had with the Jack Russell who insists on disemboweling trash cans when his Mum and Dad leave home without him (and when they take him along, he wants to drive. When not allowed to do this, he whines. When banished to a carrier, he tries to tunnel out. I love terriers. I just think they should all live in barns and chase rats for a living, like their genes program them to. Or else move to New York and bother Woody Allen's therapist rather than me ... )

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Terrors are the best, aren't they? *grins* At least mine are only partial terrors, being "bred" in Germany rather than England...though I do hear the chorus of, "Why can't I sit in the front seat?" and "Ooo, KILL IT!!!" and "Hey, nummy, MINE!" a few dozen times a day.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

[grin] One of my friends, whose taste in dogs runs to the odd, had a partial-terror mix -- Airedale, because she doesn't just adopt odd dogs, she adopts odd BIG dogs -- that liked to chase rabbits through the electronic fence around the backyard. Trouble was, while said dog refused to commit the existence of the fence to long-term memory, the ZAP! at crossing lingered in short term sufficiently strongly that the dog wouldn't cross back. Instead, it ran up and down the fence line, barking like a frat boy who'd forgotten his keys until my friend would turn off the fence line, go out and drag the dog back into the yard.

This was years ago. She's got an elderly flatulent Boxer cross now, and when he shuffles off this mortal coil, is thinking about Irish wolfhounds ...

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I've had terrors of the same breed (mini-Schnautzis) since I was around seven (yes, that IS a picture of me with my first Schnauzer on the side of my LJ page); before that we had Border collies...equally bizarre dogs. I want another one of those one day.

Irish Wolfhounds...kept one of those for a friend for a few years when she was in college (well, he was part wolfhound, part Lab). Dino was...er...well...sweet but dumb. Boy, was he dumb. Box o' rocks dumb.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

The dumbest dog I ever met was a bulldoggish cross named Hoser. His owner claimed that he had only five functioning brain cells, but one day he walked into a door and one fell out and then he only had four. That seemed about right, because it seemed he could recognize his owner and about three other people as Friends and the rest of the world was either Foes or Food (or both). I'm not sure we were even up to Box o'Rocks with him ...

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Hoser sounds like a piece of work. Indeed. (And somewhat frightening.)

[silverkatie.livejournal.com]

LOVED. THAT. POST.
*laughs uncontrollably*
*falls out of chair*
*continues to laugh*

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Isn't it great? I swear, I'm going to bring it on Sunday and read it aloud at dinner. My birthday present to myself: watching everyone splork their food.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

He was rather frightening. Fortunately for me, he decided I was okay -- those patented ear rubs work wonders.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Hee. Dogs have a lotta nerves in their ears; one of my "healthy dog" books suggests starting all dog massages there and that rubbing from the base to the tip of the ear is a calming thing for dogs.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

And that, Best Beloved, is the bestest gift of all.