Fanfic: Ghosts (Fullmetal Alchemist)

[nebroadwe]

Title: Drabble: Ghosts
Fandom: FMA (compatible with both the manga and the anime versions)
Character(s): Pinako, Al, Ed
Pairing(s): None
Rating: G
Word Count: 100
Warnings: None.
A/N: Not sure where all these short pieces keep coming from; this one appears to be seasonal, reflecting the Halloween/All Saints/All Souls triad just passed. Crossposted from nebroadwe to Höllenbeck (i.e. hagaren_manga, fm_alchemist, fullservicefma, fma_gen, fma_writers, and fma_fiction).
Dedication: For Dave. Requiescat in pace.

---

      "Granny?"

      The whisper isn't even as loud as the tentative tap it follows, but Al's voice yanks Pinako right out of bed and over to the door in her nightdress. "What is it, child?"

      He's nothing but eyes since the funeral, though she's tried to keep him fed and occupied. "I thought I saw a ghost."

      She puts both hands firmly on his shoulders. "There's no such thing as ghosts."

      Al bursts into tears. Ten seconds later, Ed erupts into the hall, pulling him away. "I told you not to ask her!" he scolds.

      Dammit. Rebuked, Pinako bites her tongue.

---

Note: This drabble is currently undergoing revisions (see comments below for an explanation). I believe in teaching the conflict, so let me say that the final paragraph has proved problematic. The phrasing of Pinako's realization needs to convey a sense of "oops!" and guilt, which it wasn't doing. Here's the sequence of choices leading to the current version:

Draft: "Abruptly enlightened, Pinako bites her tongue."
Initial post: "Catching on, Pinako bites her tongue."
First revision: "Dammit. Rebuked, Pinako bites her tongue."
Concrit appreciated. Drabbles aren't easy to do well.

[Disclaimers: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) was created by Arakawa Hiromu and is serialized monthly in Shonen Gangan (Square Enix); the anime of the same title was directed by Mizushima Seiji and story-edited by Aikawa Sho. Copyright for these properties is held by Arakawa Hiromu, Square Enix, Mainichi Broadcasting System, Aniplex, Bones, and dentsu. All rights reserved.]

Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

*snicker* Very sweet.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I admit it: "*snicker* wasn't quiiite the reaction I was expecting to this, but I guess Pinako in a nightgown is worth one. :-)

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

[rereads drabble and comment] Dagnabit. I think I get it now. Talk about unintended consequences -- you didn't happen to think Ed was pulling a prank on Al, did you?

[peppermintwords.livejournal.com]

Cute:). But if Ed wasn't pulling a prank, then what?

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

aww poor Al

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Blast. I'll have to rethink this one -- particularly the final sentence, I bet. I was hoping that the cue of "since the funeral" would be enough to suggest who the ghost Al thinks he sees might be, especially after he cries on being "reassured" that ghosts don't exist. Too subtle ... ?

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I hate to go around asking this of everyone who comments, but now I'm paranoid, so ... what did you think was going on in this drabble? [twists hands anxiously]

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

yeah I saw that others thought ed was tricking Al. I thought that Al did see his mom's ghost (or at least thought he did) and that Ed (also seeing it but in denial, much like in my halloween story, didn't want Al bringing it up

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

That's more or less the implication I'm going for: that Al thinks he sees his mother's ghost and is reassured by it, but can't get Ed to confirm or deny the occurrence and goes to ask Pinako about it (which Ed's warned him not to do, because he knows Pinako is going to deny it when Al wants it to be true). Maybe this needs to be a short story rather than a drabble. On the other hand, I think if I could just get the right reaction out of Pinako, I might still be able to pull it off. [ponders]

[peppermintwords.livejournal.com]

I got it when I thought about it.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i think it's the 'catching on' that might be throwing people

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I was down to my last two words there -- I had started with "Abruptly enlightened" but I felt I should change that (I'd already used "enlightened" in a similar place in one of the Ross drabbles, and I try not to repeat myself). Must go home and bang head against thesaurus again.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

About this, you shouldn't have to think. Ah, well, back to the writing tablet ... I can't expect perfection out of the box every time (or even most of the time. Some of the time. Any of the time. Whatever.).

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

drabbles are tough. People don't respect that word choice difficulty enough

[sleepdebtfairy.livejournal.com]

That's what I thought too, but I wasn't positive. Poor Al, though. Awwww. T_____T *wibbles*

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I was looking for the "Aww!" so I'm glad I seem to be getting it once it becomes clear what I'm about. :-)

[hotomi.livejournal.com]

Awww...poor boys AND Pinako I know how its´s like to ruin someone´s hope...

[sutlers.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness. Poor Al. My heart hurts for him.

And re: the comments above, I definitely thought right away that it was his mother he had seen (or Ed had told him he had seen), if that helps.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. That was my thought, actually. Pinako, nightgown, Ed irritated that Al'd said something...*snicker*

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

...you mean he wasn't?

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the "awww". :-) Glad you liked the story.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness. Poor Al. My heart hurts for him.

One of these days I'll write another happy 'fic. Just not today. ;-)

And re: the comments above, I definitely thought right away that it was his mother he had seen (or Ed had told him he had seen), if that helps.

I think the revised version is a bit clearer than the original one about that. All the feedback is certainly helping!

Peace.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Not this time, nope. This is Protective Ed, not Snarky Ed. Or at least it was supposed to be. (See enormous honking comment thread for details.)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I actually did read that while I was on lunch. Oh, well, different interpretations and all; you just KNOW Shakespeare is rolling in his grave, saying, "No, no, Romeo and Juliet is a COMEDY."

[kalliel]

I like this a lot - I think it accomplishes what drabbles (as a general form of writing) set out to do. It's unclear as to what, exactly, is going on from outside of Pinako's perspective, but I do not think that detracts from the feel of the drabble in any way. If anything, it serves to heighten the ambiguity of the piece, and forces the reader to do a little imaginative 'guesswork'. It doesn't slam the reader over the head with Ye Holy Main Idea.

And since you seem to be concerned about how readers interpret the happenings of the drabble, I think the current version of the last line cleared up any confusion neatly. (Meaning...I didn't come to the same conclusion that the others did before the edit, so it helped? XD)

Very cute. Bittersweet. Told from an unusual point of view. Overall, lovely as hell. It's amazing what you can do in one hundred little words. ^_^

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

At which point Burbage puts an arm around his shoulders and says, "Will, my friend, you're bucking the theatrical verities. Comedies end with a marriage; tragedies, with a death. Besides, what d'you care what they call it, as long as the receipts keep rolling in?" :-)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

"Just because the marriage came in the middle...."

*snicker*

[domlandbubbles.livejournal.com]

I got it the first version. Good disruption of expectations. I liked it!

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thanks! One of these days I'll get around to leaving a comment on your latest Ling/Lan Fan piece, which I really liked but read in the middle of being hideously viral (and in no shape to type, much less make a coherent comment).

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

It's unclear as to what, exactly, is going on from outside of Pinako's perspective, but I do not think that detracts from the feel of the drabble in any way. If anything, it serves to heighten the ambiguity of the piece, and forces the reader to do a little imaginative 'guesswork'.

I always prefer to make my readers work, when possible. :-) Since the point of this piece was Pinako's misunderstanding of Al's situation, it had to be ambiguous enough but not too ambiguous. My offline beta, who does for me some of what I do for the Balance of Power people, thinks that the "plot" here sets up too much implicit backstory to really work properly as a drabble. She may well be right -- this might work better as a short where we see Al worrying about encountering something that might be his mother's ghost but not why, setting up his encounter with Pinako and her misstep. I'd have to play around a bit more with POV then, though; it couldn't be just Pinako's. Hmph.

And since you seem to be concerned about how readers interpret the happenings of the drabble, I think the current version of the last line cleared up any confusion neatly. (Meaning...I didn't come to the same conclusion that the others did before the edit, so it helped? XD)

I think it's better now, but it may end up being one of those valiant not-quite-successes in my eyes. Ah, well. What is all this writing for, if not to find out how to write better?

Peace.