Fanfic: Ghosts (Fullmetal Alchemist)

[nebroadwe]

Title: Drabble: Ghosts
Fandom: FMA (compatible with both the manga and the anime versions)
Character(s): Pinako, Al, Ed
Pairing(s): None
Rating: G
Word Count: 100
Warnings: None.
A/N: Not sure where all these short pieces keep coming from; this one appears to be seasonal, reflecting the Halloween/All Saints/All Souls triad just passed. Crossposted from nebroadwe to Höllenbeck (i.e. hagaren_manga, fm_alchemist, fullservicefma, fma_gen, fma_writers, and fma_fiction).
Dedication: For Dave. Requiescat in pace.

---

      "Granny?"

      The whisper isn't even as loud as the tentative tap it follows, but Al's voice yanks Pinako right out of bed and over to the door in her nightdress. "What is it, child?"

      He's nothing but eyes since the funeral, though she's tried to keep him fed and occupied. "I thought I saw a ghost."

      She puts both hands firmly on his shoulders. "There's no such thing as ghosts."

      Al bursts into tears. Ten seconds later, Ed erupts into the hall, pulling him away. "I told you not to ask her!" he scolds.

      Dammit. Rebuked, Pinako bites her tongue.

---

Note: This drabble is currently undergoing revisions (see comments below for an explanation). I believe in teaching the conflict, so let me say that the final paragraph has proved problematic. The phrasing of Pinako's realization needs to convey a sense of "oops!" and guilt, which it wasn't doing. Here's the sequence of choices leading to the current version:

Draft: "Abruptly enlightened, Pinako bites her tongue."
Initial post: "Catching on, Pinako bites her tongue."
First revision: "Dammit. Rebuked, Pinako bites her tongue."
Concrit appreciated. Drabbles aren't easy to do well.

[Disclaimers: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) was created by Arakawa Hiromu and is serialized monthly in Shonen Gangan (Square Enix); the anime of the same title was directed by Mizushima Seiji and story-edited by Aikawa Sho. Copyright for these properties is held by Arakawa Hiromu, Square Enix, Mainichi Broadcasting System, Aniplex, Bones, and dentsu. All rights reserved.]

Comments

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

That's more or less the implication I'm going for: that Al thinks he sees his mother's ghost and is reassured by it, but can't get Ed to confirm or deny the occurrence and goes to ask Pinako about it (which Ed's warned him not to do, because he knows Pinako is going to deny it when Al wants it to be true). Maybe this needs to be a short story rather than a drabble. On the other hand, I think if I could just get the right reaction out of Pinako, I might still be able to pull it off. [ponders]

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

i think it's the 'catching on' that might be throwing people

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I was down to my last two words there -- I had started with "Abruptly enlightened" but I felt I should change that (I'd already used "enlightened" in a similar place in one of the Ross drabbles, and I try not to repeat myself). Must go home and bang head against thesaurus again.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

drabbles are tough. People don't respect that word choice difficulty enough