Fanfic: Me and My Shadow (Fullmetal Alchemist)

[nebroadwe]

Title: Drabbles: Me and My Shadow
Fandom: FMA (anime version)
Character(s): Al and Wrath (with cameos from Rose, Pinako, Winry and Izumi)
Pairing(s): None
Rating: G
Word Count: 1800
Warnings: Post-series; spoilers for the FMA movie.
A/N: This series of linked drabbles developed after I read redrose999's 'fic To Be Human (linked here) and began thinking about Al and Wrath's relationship. Drabbles are almost as tough to write as haiku; concrit welcomed with (metaphorical) sherbet and dancers. Crossposted from nebroadwe to Höllenbeck (i.e. fm_alchemist, fullservicefma, fma_gen, fma_writers, fma_fiction, and al_x_wrath).
Dedication: For Katie Prime, who'll read them someday.

---

The dark girl stands on her petticoat hem, ripping the bottom flounce out, and ties her brat to her back with it. Frowning, she bends over me. "Can you stand?"

With her help, I can. The brat whines; I flinch, but she holds me steady. She's stronger than she looks. We shuffle into the street; then she stops. "I don't remember the way."

"I do," I say. I'm not staying here while he ... does whatever he's going to do. He said he'd destroy the whole city, but I don't believe him. Humans lie all the time.

I wish I could.

≈
Granny and Winry have a patient: a boy who needs a new arm and leg. I haven't met him; Granny says he isn't up to it. Winry says there's nothing I can do to help. Rose taught me how to feed and burp the baby, how to change and bathe him, so I help her instead. We're always outside when Granny and Winry are in the surgery. The baby is learning to crawl while their patient learns to walk.

They tell me Ed had automail, too. If I could see this boy, maybe I'd understand what that means. Or remember.

≈
They try to keep me in bed, but I don't need "time to heal." They keep me away from him, too, which is funny because I don't want to face him. He asks too many questions. I watch him from my window as he chases the dog around the yard or shows the brat butterflies. That's as close as I want to be to him.

Today the blond girl handed him a letter. I never saw someone look happy and frightened together. "Teacher's coming!" he shouted.

Then I saw myself in the mirror and knew it was time to leave.

≈
I've never been lonely before. Even after Mom died, even when we studied forbidden alchemy, Ed and I were always together. Now he's gone and a crack four years wide separates me from everyone I love: Granny, Winry, Teacher ... When I talk, they hear echoes of my missing memories and answer questions I never asked. What I really need to hear, they don't say.

But lately I've felt someone watching me, someone I can't see. I know I have enemies, but I haven't told anyone about this. I can take care of myself. And I don't feel so alone anymore.

≈
When she shouted at me across the factory floor, I knew she didn't love me. Mommy always smiled at me, but her mouth was sad. Mommy's eyes were sharp like mine; hers were soft and blurred with guilt. She wanted me to kill her. I'm her sin, not her son.

(I won't touch her -- I won't!)

Now he lives at her house, studying alchemy. He thinks she loves him, but he's wrong, too. I've seen her face when his back is turned, and it's the same one she showed me. If I'm her burden to bear, then so is he.

≈
I catch a glimpse of the spy, slipping around the corner of Teacher's house, so I chase him -- but run into her instead. "Where are you going?" she asks after we pick ourselves up.

"Nowhere, now," I say. "I've lost him."

"Who?"

"A boy with long black hair. He's been following me."

Her shoulders stiffen, but she shakes her head. "It's only Wrath."

"Wrath?" I ask. "Who's that?"

"Never mind," she says sternly.

But I do. Friend or enemy, he's watched me all this time, not her. I know he's still nearby. I've seen him once; I'll find him again.

≈
I saw him at the train station and laughed so hard I had to run away before he noticed me. I laughed until I hiccupped. (I've never had the hiccups; I was a little scared until they stopped.) But the way he was dressed! He's been letting his hair grow; it's browner than his brother's and he wears it in a ponytail instead of a braid, but you can't miss the likeness. And now he's off to Central or somewhere wearing a black suit, white gloves and a red coat ... I just had to laugh.

Otherwise, I might have cried.

≈
I'm hunting rumors these days, rumors of my brother. Nothing but old news yet: at least no one's dared claim his name since he disappeared. I have to be careful myself, though: last month something I did got mixed up with something Ed did once and I ended up tracking my own footprints. I hate to boast, but I make sure to tell people my name now. I can't waste time going in circles. And I try not to look over my shoulder at the rumors that follow me -- especially the one knocking over rubbish bins, slier than a fox.

≈
The panther chases me half a mile before I find a clearing where I can turn and wring its neck. Then I have to backtrack to where I left him. I don't know what he's doing in this drippy, panther-infested forest, but I wish he'd hurry and finish.

I'm tired and careless; he sees me first. "Wrath?"

I freeze, but he only beckons me toward his campfire. It's tempting: I'm wet through with sweat and damp. I step forward. He sits; I sit. He smiles. I don't.

"Thanks," he says anyway. "It's not good to be out here alone."

≈
They finally told me the story: Wrath -- a homunculus, the embodiment of Teacher's sin -- stole my brother's limbs, tried and failed to take my brother's life, and lost everything he wanted. Winry gave him automail, but it couldn't make him whole. Now he's shadowing me.

That worries everyone but Winry. Granny and Rose warn me to avoid him; Teacher shows me how to seal a homunculus, after enough deaths have drained its power. But I don't want to kill Wrath; I don't think he wants to kill me.

I've heard from everyone except him. What does he have to say?

≈
We stand on opposite sides of the stream. He watches me, but he isn't afraid. I'm a puzzle to him, an equation that won't balance; he wants to figure me out. (Good luck!)

"Why are you following me?" he asks.

"I haven't got anything better to do," I answer.

He shakes his head. Maybe he can't imagine someone not obsessed with doing things, like he is. Like his brother was. But I'm not human; I don't lie. I haven't got anything better to do than follow him ... like the moon follows the sun.

Maybe, someday soon, I'll blot him out.

≈
"What will you do when you find him?" Wrath asks me.

Staring into a fire destroys your night vision, so I look out at the desert while I think. We're camped away from the waterhole, among the rocks. I've checked my blankets for snakes and scorpions; nothing else should bother us. "I'll hit him," I answer finally.

"You'll what?" This is the first time I've heard Wrath sound startled. He tosses his hair back and glares at me. "Why?"

"Because," I say.

Because he's an idiot. Because he left me. Because if I can hit him, I'll know he's real.

≈
All my dreams are nightmares. They chase me through the island's bushes, down every alley in the city, around and around the theater while She laughs and tells me to run faster. And I do, I do, but they always catch me and make me dream about the waiting dark behind the Gate until my body wakes up screaming.

But last night I dreamed of her, standing in a brightness like sunlit mist, holding out her arms to me, smiling like Mommy, only more so. "My little one," she said.

I woke thinking that it was time to go home.

≈
All my dreams are strange. What I can't remember, I imagine: the armor, the automail, the Philosopher's Stone -- four years traveling with Ed, leaving stories behind us. When he taps me on the shoulder or calls my name, I think, "This is a dream." And it always is.

(Sometimes I feel my body shredding into nothing and I wake breathless, because I know that was real.)

But last night I dreamed of Teacher, standing in a brightness like sunlit mist, holding out her arms to me, smiling gently. "Alphonse," she said.

I woke thinking that I should never have left.

≈
Her grave is a gray stone with her name on it and some numbers. I don't have a grave. I had a death, but it didn't take. And another after that, and another and another ... I've lost count. I don't need a grave, except maybe to lean against when my back hurts, like it does now. My automail would hurt if it could: it's dented and rusted and doesn't work right anymore. No, I haven't been taking care of myself -- why bother, when nobody scolds me?

Next time I'll bring flowers. I can use the ribbon someone put around these.

≈
I lie in bed, my eyes closed. No dream, no story -- a memory, now: my armored soul, fighting beside my brother. He lives, just out of reach, in that strange, loud, bright-and-dark world. "I could bring him home," I whisper. "I know it."

"Then do it!"

I roll to my feet, but it's only Wrath, sitting on the windowsill. I wipe my face, though he's seen the tears. "I can't," I say. "Not here."

His chin drops. "I know a place," he says from behind his hair. "Come!"

What he knows, what I know ... together, we might succeed.

≈
"Why are you doing this?" he asks as I lead him down the stone steps into the buried city.

I shrug. "It doesn't matter."

I could say: humans tell stories, don't they? Stories about monsters who eat princesses and make beds of stolen treasure in caves; stories about the heroes who slay them and claim the treasure and live happily ever after. So what about your story? Even I can see it isn't finished. What kind of end will you make, Alphonse Elric?

And me? I know who I am. I know what I want. That's why it doesn't matter.

≈
I closed my eyes on my father's study and a transmutation exploding into disaster and my brother's fingertips straining toward mine. I opened them here, in a world without a sky. Four years gone in an eyeblink -- literally. A price paid? I'll pay the same again to bring my brother home.

I owe Wrath something, too. He doesn't like it here; he had to force his foot down the first step, but after that he never hesitated. Without his help, I'd never have found this place, this transmutation circle. Equivalent exchange: I'll pay my debt to him, whatever it costs.

---

[Disclaimers: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) was created by Arakawa Hiromu and is serialized monthly in Shonen Gangan (Square Enix); the movie Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa was directed by Mizushima Seiji and scripted by Aikawa Sho. Copyright for these properties is held by Arakawa Hiromu, Square Enix, Mainichi Broadcasting System, Aniplex, Bones, and dentsu. All rights reserved.]

Comments

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

these were very interesting. And yes drabbles are hard (I do them all the time in another fandom and am always a little miffed when people dismiss it as worthless or easy). I'm not a huge a Wrath fan but you've made him interesting and sympathetic here and poor Al, you really feel for him

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

And yes drabbles are hard (I do them all the time in another fandom and am always a little miffed when people dismiss it as worthless or easy).

[bogglement] Anyone who thinks a good drabble is easy to write must never have tried to compose one. It is sometimes difficult for me to justify them as art, though -- unless they're really, really good. Like any stringent form, they can become just an exercise in hewing to the constraints (cf. a sonnet that forgets you can play with the meter or is so wrapped up in making the rhyme scheme work that it screws up the grammar or doesn't understand how to put the "turn" in at the break point). Then, too, they're so short. I find myself compelled to write them in batches so that the reader doesn't feel I've said "Hey, I baked today!" and then handed them one cookie.

I'm not a huge a Wrath fan but you've made him interesting and sympathetic here and poor Al, you really feel for him.

I've occasionally thought that I should do some work from the POV of one of the story's antagonists, but this is as close as I've gotten (and Wrath isn't really an antagonist at this point -- he's just got antagonistic history). I have no desire to spend time in Envy's head, for various reasons (including the fact that a number of writers, including hieronymous_b, is already in there, so it's dam' crowded), and while I've had an idea about the inside of Greed/Ling's head, it doesn't have a proper story attached to it (and, again, a lot of other people are already playing in that sandbox). But I had fun putting this together.

Peace.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

I agree, drabbles, not quite art but they are a good exercise. I think they help me to write more concisely in my longer work and yes if you think it's easy you haven't really tried it.

I too have thought I should try writing from the villian's pov and since I don't really do anime much that ruled out this particular Wrath. I did just do that Envy/Greed piece because well I like Envy but I really really do want to try Greed/Ling too

[hieronymousb.livejournal.com]

I have no desire to spend time in Envy's head, for various reasons (including the fact that a number of writers, including [info]hieronymous_b, is already in there, so it's dam' crowded),

*g* Well, I don't see much good Envy 'fic. Certainly not much of it that seems very convincing.

But then Envy is underdeveloped enough in canon that writing him and fleshing him out can feel very strange. You either have to extrapolate considerably or write him as a one-dimensional caricature. I can imagine what other reasons you wouldn't want to write him for, though. He is rather...*whew*.

[randomly passing by; doesn't this comment look stalkery? XD]

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't see much good Envy 'fic.

Someone has produced one for the Green Lion -- I have some vague suspicions as to whom, but no certainties.

Certainly not much of it that seems very convincing.

In addition to the reasons you give, there's the difficulty of writing villains from the villain's perspective. The mental cramp of "thinking evil/twisted/alienated/sociopathic" can become very unpleasant after a while (see C.S. Lewis on Screwtape) -- at which point the temptation to make said villain out to be not so bad, after all, rears its ugly head. This is different from writing a genuinely complex villain, btw, with colliding motivations and the possibility of being turned and all that. (Also different from writing Friendly Vampires, at which I normally just roll my eyes, because too few Friendly Vampire writers manage to create a set of preconditions for same that don't cause my suspension of disbelief to hit the ground and complain about the bruises for the next three days.)

[randomly passing by; doesn't this comment look stalkery? XD]

Actually, it looks like a comment. :-) My fault for mentioning your name (though I took the precaution of misspelling it -- usually that works, but you must be a particularly strong LJ avatar. Memo to self: redraw protective circles on Saturday when moon is full ... )

Peace!

[hieronymousb.livejournal.com]

Someone has produced one for the Green Lion -- I have some vague suspicions as to whom, but no certainties.

*laughs* Well, it wasn't me. My Green Lion fic is still in the works, and it only peripherally relates to Envy. However, I may have an idea of who wrote the Green Lion fic. Just a hunch, though.

The mental cramp of "thinking evil/twisted/alienated/sociopathic" can become very unpleasant after a while (see C.S. Lewis on Screwtape) -- at which point the temptation to make said villain out to be not so bad, after all, rears its ugly head.

It is unpleasant, in a way. Intriguing, sure, but I admit that writing a character like Envy for too long can actually, at times, become something of a strain. One reason that I don't update too frequently, in fact. I need time to keep my mind organized and focused on "sociopathic" or else I might (gasphorror) end up writing not-so-bad Envy, and that'd be a travesty.

Actually, it looks like a comment. :-)

I meant I guessed it seemed a touch rude of me to make a comment without commenting on the fic itself, but I'm bad about not reviewing if I felt most other reviews have more or less covered whatever I would've said. XD

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

My Green Lion fic is still in the works, and it only peripherally relates to Envy. However, I may have an idea of who wrote the Green Lion fic. Just a hunch, though.

You were on my list of suspects, although mostly for content reasons -- the style seemed a bit different, though literate enough. Another possibility occurred to me this morning, but we shall see ... I'm looking forward to the rest of the entries going up on the 15th. So far I can actually read most of them without flinching or skipping stuff, which is cool.

I meant I guessed it seemed a touch rude of me to make a comment without commenting on the fic itself, but I'm bad about not reviewing if I felt most other reviews have more or less covered whatever I would've said. XD

Reiterating words like "excellent" and "beautiful" and "interesting" never hurts. :-)

Peace.

[hieronymousb.livejournal.com]

From what Mikke told me, many people who submitted to the Green Lion contest are newbies, so it's quite possible that the Envy-fic was written by someone I've never even seen before. Obviously I'm not at liberty to say exactly what my fic is, but it will probably be exceedingly obvious which one is mine. For the record, it's pretty obvious which one is yours, too.


Reiterating words like "excellent" and "beautiful" and "interesting" never hurts. :-)

Heh heh, well, I enjoy the concept of drabbles as a writing exercise, but I must concede that I have a tough time commenting on them. The ones you have here are a very interesting take on Al + Wrath, and not something I often see. It's hard for me to comment beyond that because I *sheepishly admits* still haven't seen CoS [so I don't know what post-series Wrath is like or if your take on him strikes me as accurate?]. I only know what I've read about it, and uh, certain events which transpire in the movie make me...hesitant to sit and watch the whole thing. I know one of these days I'll have to bite down and go for it, though.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

From what Mikke told me, many people who submitted to the Green Lion contest are newbies ...

Which is definitely a good thing (says the newbie, with a straight face) ... no, no, really, keep the writing community growing and all that. People don't do this kind of thing forever; it's useful to have new talent come in because older talent will move on. Sic transit gloria fanficceri.

... so it's quite possible that the Envy-fic was written by someone I've never even seen before. Obviously I'm not at liberty to say exactly what my fic is, but it will probably be exceedingly obvious which one is mine.

It helps to have Style. With a capital S. :-)

For the record, it's pretty obvious which one is yours, too.

Yes, the heartbreaking work of staggering genius. I mean, the piece with the two word-repetition errors, one grammar error and a diacritic-formatting braino at last count. I suspected it would be -- I do have a few pretty obvious tics. (It would have been more obvious, stylistically speaking, if the bit after the last line hadn't gotten stripped off somehow. I keep having formatting difficulties with whatever engine SS uses to read my html-coding. Hopefully I can get the missing bit stuck back on before judging occurs.)

It's hard for me to comment beyond that because I *sheepishly admits* still haven't seen CoS [so I don't know what post-series Wrath is like or if your take on him strikes me as accurate?].

He's pretty depressed/repressed whenever he shows up in the film; I was trying to figure out a logical from-here-to-there progression for that, from the end of the series through into the movie. I'm pretty satisfied with what I did, even though the drabble format makes it telegraphic. The reader has to work rather hard connecting the dots ... but it seems to me that I'm often expecting my readers to pick up subtext and run with it without much explicit direction (case in point: my GL entry). I'm still deciding whether this is a good thing. ;-)

I only know what I've read about it, and uh, certain events which transpire in the movie make me...hesitant to sit and watch the whole thing. I know one of these days I'll have to bite down and go for it, though.

It's worth doing, IMO. Not a bad movie at all: it's got plot holes and (rather disconcertingly) refuses to have any truck with the physics of falling bodies and is a little too short to tie up all the loose ends properly, but it does tell a good story, keep the characterization strong and look/sound wonderful. And it gave me my start in fanfic, writing some "deleted scenes" as "Ivory Gate" (http://nebroadwe.livejournal.com/2175.html), so it holds a special place in my heart. [briefly goes all drippy with sentiment]

Peace!