Review: Fire and Ice Challenge

[nebroadwe]

I've read and reread all the Ed/Winry "Fire and Ice Challenge" fic entries (and looked at the pictures a few times, too) and am quite glad lyricnonsense organized this contest. It's such fun to have a whole heap of fanworks to analyze and enjoy. Having placed my votes, I figure I might as well note my impressions of the various 'fics. (I'm not going to embarrass myself in public by attempting to comment on the pictures. I don't know diddly about art; I just know what I like.)

"Before It Rains" is well-paced but massively overwritten, metaphors crashing into each other and sense losing out to sound, but that kind of cacophony can only be produced by someone with a genuine ear for language. The tension in the weather nicely parallels the tension in the characters; I'd like to see more work from this author, albeit in a more disciplined mode.

"The Biplane" has a fun concept and the final scene with Ed and Winry drifting downstream after their flight was pleasantly genial, but the story as a whole was a bit loose in execution: I kept wanting to take my Occam's Razor and excise the OCs, frex.

"Bittersweet Tones" has pacing problems toward the end; taking Ed skinny-dipping is a wickedly amusing idea, but the story doesn't spend enough time watching him shift from nervous to amorous -- the kissing starts pretty abruptly.

"Envied of the Bees" labors a bit setting up the backstory, but has good control of its prose and a nice light touch through the various shifts of tone and mood to its romantic moment -- which moment amuses and delights me. The characters sound appropriately young to my ear, too: Winry ahead of Ed on the relationship front, but Ed having perhaps the clearer vision of the big picture.

"A Flash of Starlight" takes an ambitious run through Ed, Al and Winry's history, amplifying a few key moments and inventing others. I find the invented moments more plausible, generally, than the amplifications, but the whole hangs together well. This author has a good ear for metaphor -- Al looking like a foal, frex -- and the changes s/he rings on the images of fireflies and lanterns give us strong leitmotifs to follow from scene to scene.

"Gender Roles" is an utter hoot and another well-structured piece; the three moments have more in common than just the hot chocolate and it's that continuity of character development that allows this story to build to its punch line. The occasional lack of grammatical clarity (who is Ed considering marrying?) is not particularly troublesome; I'm more uneasy with the lack of clarity about Ed's life outside the home, when Al and Winry's careers are both sketched.

"Mechanical Intellectualness," on the other hand, unfortunately suffers from the sort of technical problems (punctuation, grammar, syntax) that do affect clarity of storytelling -- one more round in beta would have helped. It's a slight piece, but the central image (paralleling mechanical with biological creativity) is certainly drabble-worthy. (The great Tobu Ishi wrote a few on this theme, I believe.)

"On Thin Ice" didn't move me as much as it could have. It's pretty well plotted and adequately written (mod a few typos) but too dialogue-heavy; I'd've liked more scene-setting and more attention to how what the characters say and do arises out of who they are. This is a pivot point in Ed and Winry's relationship, but at the end I'm not sure how the ice-skating incident leads to the romance, other than mechanically.

"Pucker Up" immediately annoys me by using "Half an hour later ... " as a scene transition, but that's just a pet peeve. My real objection is that, even more than "On Thin Ice," this piece fails to make a connection between the rising action and the climax. Ed and Winry could have been doing anything prior to having their discussion, which is regrettable, because making lemonade has all kinds of metaphorical possibilities (the "if life hands you lemons" saying encapsulates only the most obvious of them). This would be a stronger piece if the lemonade-making somehow commented on Ed and Winry's relationship.

"Return to Yock Island" strikes me as underwritten. Letting Al play matchmaker is one way to keep the Third Commandment of FMA Romance, but I'm left wondering why he does so. Motives are assumed here rather than revealed; even if we take it as a given that Ed loves Winry, why does he declare himself here and now? Why is she ready to respond? I want to know more.

"Scars and Consequences" is a plausible peek into the manga's near-future, setting up an intriguing plot problem (why is Winry so cold to Ed?) and making good use of both Ed and Al as POV characters on the way to revealing its solution. Ed's guilt, Al's helpfulness and Winry's stoicism and fear are all well rendered. Despite tripping over a few of my pet peeves (i.e "alright" for "all right" and calling Ed "the blond" repeatedly), this story was a pleasure to read.

"Unlikely Conversations Happen In Snowstorms," on the other hand, fails a bit in plausibility (Winry's reason for being on the trip is quite thin) and the massive backstory infodump with which it opens doesn't really seem necessary. I like Ed's outburst -- it strikes me as the kind of slip that might well open a new line of communication between him and Winry; I also like that the author doesn't push it further than that. But the surrounding action doesn't really lead anywhere; I think I'd be more comfortable with this story if it were either longer or shorter than it is.

Except for my own entry, I haven't got a clue who wrote what, though I can hazard some broad guesses based on general principles. But that's another mode of public embarrassment I'm keen to avoid. I'll just wait till everyone's identity is revealed with the outcome of the polls.

Comments

[terracottabones.livejournal.com]

Haha...voting for yourself. Always a dilemma. (After rereading my fic, I opted not to. Lol.)

You know, nebroadwe, yours was the only fic I thought I might be able to identify - but judging from this post/comments, it seems I might be wrong... (damn!) Perhaps I'll just wait for the results.

And! I'm so glad I've your reviews to clarify my own thoughts - 'cause I totally agree! Especially "Before It Rains" - it was so helter-skelter, but it was so beautiful. *loved*

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Haha...voting for yourself. Always a dilemma. (After rereading my fic, I opted not to. Lol.)

I might have voted for yours in one of the categories -- that is, if it's not someone else's. :-)

You know, nebroadwe, yours was the only fic I thought I might be able to identify - but judging from this post/comments, it seems I might be wrong... (damn!) Perhaps I'll just wait for the results.

Heh, heh, heh. Believe me, I structured my post/comments veeery carefully so as not to give away the show. It helps that in the manic/depressive cycle of authorly self-appreciation, I'm on the downswing wrt my story, so its flaws (both structural and typographical -- why is it that you can proof your own work twelve times and still miss the idiot errors!) are very apparent to me.

And! I'm so glad I've your reviews to clarify my own thoughts - 'cause I totally agree! Especially "Before It Rains" - it was so helter-skelter, but it was so beautiful. *loved*

Thanks! I like to give my English major a workout now and then. And I did want to grab the author of "Before It Rains" and hand them a cross-stitched sampler bearing the words "Less Is More" within a border of birds and bees. :-) His/her first paragraph is something else -- I sometimes struggle for one good metaphor to sweeten a scene, and s/he is tossing them out like candy from a parade float. I did consider the possibility that it's a stylistic choice -- mirroring the oppressive weather with a crowded description -- but based on the rest of the piece I'm inclined to think it's enthusiasm for language that falls into the forest-v.-trees trap: each individual image is interesting, but they don't have a common theme that pulls them together into a whole. On a larger scale, Ed's reflections on Mustang also struck me that way. It's a compelling and frequently vivid interior monologue, but other than being compelling and vivid, what purpose does it serve in the story taken whole? And on the smaller scale, the syntax sometimes tangles up in multiple modifiers and complex clausal constructions, so that a lot of sound and fury is produced, but the actual significance becomes difficult to parse. BUT ... these are the kinds of difficulties someone with a talent for and a love of language is going to encounter; they can be remedied with discipline and some attention to the technical side of our craft ... and then, by gum, we'll see fireworks. :-)