Filk: The Merchant of Venice (William Shakespeare)

[nebroadwe]

One week ago today, I was cleaning roasted red pepper terrine out of the trunk of a rental car and wondering why every year I go bonkers cooking six different dishes for the local Easter potluck in addition to singing five services at my church over seven days (plus dress rehearsals). Oddly, now that it's over, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do with my time, except write the now-traditional Triduum Shakespeare filk.

A dress rehearsal in the choir loft,
the singers and their director in an attitude of dejection as a last arpeggio fades away.
Enter Portia, dressed as an MFA candidate.

DIRECTOR:
You are welcome; take your place.
Are you acquainted with the Triduum
That holds this present practice in the loft?

PORTIA:
I am informed thoroughly of the same.
Which sings the tenor here? And which the bass?

DIRECTOR:
You tenors and you basses, both stand forth.

PORTIA:
Of a French nature is the music you sing,
Yet of such sort that th'American church
Cannot impugn you as you do proceed.
[To the tenors] You are acquaint with your part, are you not?

TENORS:
Ay, so we are.

PORTIA:
And do you sing in tune?

TENORS:
We do.

PORTIA:
Then must each bass be musical.

BASSES:
[Grumpily, having heard this one too many times]
On what compulsion must we? Tell us that.

PORTIA:
The quality of music is not strained;
It droppeth as the Easter snow from heaven
Upon the earth beneath. It is twice blest;
It blesseth him that sings and him that hears.
'Tis noblest in the noblest; it becomes
The seated congregant better than speech.
Their spoken words prove their attention,
The attribute to awe and piety,
Wherein doth sit the fear of our great Lord.
But music is above this daunting sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of all,
An attribute to God's own court above.
And earthly gatherings then show likest God's
When music seasons liturgy. Therefore,
Though laryngitis dog ye, think on this:
That in this Triduum, we do enact
Love's mighty mystery. We hear God praised
And that same praise doth teach us all to render
Prayer in music. I have spoke thus much
To reinvigorate your flagging hearts;
Now, an you follow strictly tune and time,
No voice shall censure aught of your attempt.

ALL:
O let us sing again! We crave a note
With which to start Fauré's "Cantique" once more!

Exit Portia, pursued by seventh and ninth chords.

Having learned its lesson from last year, the parish provided a very small and decorous new fire. The choir, not having learned its lesson, attempted probably one too many funky classical pieces (including the aforementioned Fauré), but squeaked through with reasonable élan. And despite the exploding terrine, the Easter dinner was delicious. All in all, a good year.