Fanfiction: A Very Pine-Apple (FMA)

[nebroadwe]

Title: Ficlet: A Very Pine-Apple
Fandom: FMA (manga or Brotherhood version)
Character(s): Roy, Riza, Master Hawkeye
Pairing(s): None. (Again, for obvious reasons ...)
Rating: G
Word Count: 350
Warnings: None. Set pre-series.
A/N: I was going to submit this to fma_fic_contest for the "canon couple" prompt, but sadly it turned out not to fit the criteria. Ah, well. The title is taken from a line in Richard Sheridan's comedy of manners The Rivals ("He is the very pine-apple of politeness!"), which also gave us the immortal Mrs. Malaprop. Concrit welcomed with cordwood. Crossposted from nebroadwe to Höllenbeck (i.e. hagaren_manga, fm_alchemist, fma_gen, fma_writers and fma_fiction).
Dedication: For kanja177, who always studies hard and never gets into trouble. Ever.

---

      Roy Mustang is as precocious a charmer as he is an alchemist because he's clever enough to notice that charm opens doors power and even wit can't force. Don't lay it on too thick, Mr. What-A-Polite-Young-Man, Aunt Chris warns him when he brings her flowers, but she's already signed his indentures and he knows she loves chrysanthemums. Just study hard and stay out of trouble.

      He's on his best behavior with Master Hawkeye that first day, of course, sipping tea he wishes were coffee and agreeing to a course of study so rigorous it seems designed to keep him out of trouble by killing him. The fire chuckles between its dogs; the master's daughter fills an awkward pause in the conversation by removing the empty cups and teapot onto a tray. "Let me help you with that," Roy offers, rising. His charm has taken none of the edge off the old alchemist's scholarly blood-thirst, but Riza has already smiled at one of his jokes. She smiles again now, cute and blonde and susceptible, as he reaches for the tray ...

      ... and the fire beside him explodes up the chimney with a percussive roar, the seasoned birch logs crumbling to ashes in its wake. Roy reels back; the tea service shatters on the hearth. "Father!" Riza exclaims, clutching the tray to her chest like a shield.

      "Dear, dear," the master replies, removing his hand from the mantel and searching his pockets until he finds a piece of chalk. "Don't worry, child; I'll fix it." He gestures her to a seat and sketches an array around the porcelain fragments, his draughtsmanship swift and graceful. Roy leans forward, instinctively curious, and Master Hawkeye glances up to catch his gaze. "I see the wood trug is empty, Mr. Mustang," he says. "Would you refill it, please?"

      Roy has to clear his throat before he can respond. "Yes, sir."

      He retreats into the hall, giving Riza's chair a wide berth. But as he shuts the door between them, he hears the master remark, "Such a polite young man, don't you think?"

---

[Acknowledgments: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) was created by Arakawa Hiromu and was serialized monthly in Shonen Gangan (Square Enix); two anime of the same title were produced by Studio Bones. Copyright for these properties is held by Arakawa Hiromu, Square Enix, Mainichi Broadcasting System, Aniplex, Bones, and dentsu.]

Comments

[bob_fish.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha. Master Hawkeye is a cunning old bird.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Not as completely scholarship-focused as he looks, that man. Heh.

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha, this is brilliant.

it seems designed to keep him out of trouble by killing him

You know, in Roy Mustang's case, I'm not sure even that would do the trick. . .

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

You may be right, at that ... though it's the master who dies in the end and I don't think we ever hear what drove him into an early grave other than narrative convenience. Hmm.

I also figured that Roy-Mustang-the-Idealist, which is the only side of him we see interacting with Master Hawkeye in canon, can't have been the only side of him at that age. Also that anyone prepared to teach young alchemists is going to lay down the law early and often, if only to keep them from blowing up innocent bystanders. And that having two adolescents of the appropriate sex in the house might call for stern measures. :-)

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Those narrative convenience deaths are THE WORST. And for the rest, yes, exactly.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Ever read How to Read Literature Like a Professor? It's got a whole chapter on literary diseases ("Dickens kills off all sorts of characters with fevers that don't get identified; of course, he had so many characters he need to dispatch some of them periodically just for housekeeping purposes.").

[flybynight00.livejournal.com]

Well, he does spew a lot of blood during the croaking process, so I'm going to go with tuberculosis. Another Dickens favorite!

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Funny enough, my favorite meta commentary on 'convenience death' might be from FMA, the point where Roy tells Hughes to stop talking about his loved ones back home because soldiers who do that always die. Which, of course, happens in a flashback years before Hughes actually DOES, but long after it happened in canon, etc. . .

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Is laughing as hard at the commentary as the story itself. This is far too much fun. I love the image of the fire chuckling in the fireplace - its in on the joke, much to Roy's later horror.

...why do I see this scene re-enacted when Future!Baby!Hawkeye-Mustang goes on her first date...?

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I love the image of the fire chuckling in the fireplace - its in on the joke, much to Roy's later horror.

Pathetic fallacy FTW! (I had the hardest time figuring out how what to have Master Hawkeye do to indicate responsibility for the explosion, so that it didn't come off as uncanonically magical. Then I figured he might have an array or two built into the fireplace itself -- probably around the same time he reinforced the chimney. I wonder if Roy has to sweep it as part of his training or if he's already too big ...)

...why do I see this scene re-enacted when Future!Baby!Hawkeye-Mustang goes on her first date...?

I hear a similar wail muted through gritted teeth: "Daaaaad!" :-)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

If he were my apprentice, he'd have to sweep the fireplace. It's part of the learning process! :D

yesssss, there will be the gritted teeth wail resounding throughout the house. I'm not sure it'll be muted, though. XD

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Oh, great. Now I have this vision of Riza giggling at him all covered in soot, and him trying to look insouciant (and, due to sheer force of personality, partially succeeding. Somehow I can see Riza giggling as a teenager, though not necessarily as an adult ...)

Muted wails only in the presence of one's slightly singed SO -- full-throated wails once said SO is out of earshot, I think.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Now you need to write it, of course. :D

I see. Or at least from the other room, when Daddy's dragged from it to be scolded.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Leaving SO alone in the parlor with Mom, who begins pointedly cleaning her revolver.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Yessssss. :D

[kashicat.livejournal.com]

Oh this is absolutely perfect! I can see Riza handling the revolver very serenely!

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was hilarious. I love imagining Riza's expression, and Roy giving her chair a wide berth - heh! Never can say the boy didn't take a hint!

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Master Hawkeye, being wise in the ways of youth, makes it a BIG hint.

[leorising1959.livejournal.com]

Oh, very nicely done. Poor Roy. Thanks for this.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Any time I can tormentwrite about FMA characters is a good time.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

hahaha that's a way to get Roy to listen, Mr. Hawkeye. Loved it.

also this line The fire chuckles between its dogs; great image

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I feel that my decision to excise an extraneous adverb from that sentence is now vindicated. :-)

[a-big-apple.livejournal.com]

Hah! Master Hawkeye isn't so mad that he doesn't know what quiet blonde + charming brunette equals....

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- you are officially responsible for me having Professor Harold Hill stuck in my head all night ...

[a-big-apple.livejournal.com]

There are worse things!

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Name three.

[a-big-apple.livejournal.com]

1. The Song That Never Ends
2. Peanut Butter Jelly Time, tied with Bananaphone
3. It's A Small World

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I can accept that. :-)

[a-big-apple.livejournal.com]

XD

[fractured-chaos.livejournal.com]

I would say, "Typical father", but Master Hawkeye is anything but typical. I loved this, though. I could so see it happening.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It was fun to write; some fatherly actions are just archetypal. :-)

[starseed4.livejournal.com]

I like this because you've written Master Hawkeye as less insane and more just a regular father who also happens to like alchemy a whole lot. It's nice, to think that his relationship with Riza wasn't always so... dark. I like to think he was a decent father once upon a time, but with the swift onset of disease became a lot crazier and desperate.

The humor in this was great and made me giggle a few times. I'd love to see you write more about the (mis)adventures of Riza, Roy, and Master Hawkeye. You do it well. :)

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I always enjoy elaborating characters' backstories and it occurred to me to consider how Master Hawkeye would have earned the respect with which we see Roy treating him just before he dies -- and also, as I mentioned up-comment, to look into Roy's development as a smooth operator. I like to think its the practiced elaboration of a natural talent. :-)

[kashicat.livejournal.com]

I always wondered how Roy and Riza came out of that household maintaining their level of formality. Heehee!

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I was a teacher once. You learn quickly that you have far fewer discipline problems if you lay down the law hard first and then graciously grant reasonable exceptions. :-) (I suspect the other factor operating is that young Roy becomes a bit of an alchemy geek -- most of Arakawa's major alchemist characters seem to have an obsessive streak about their profession.)

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

Berthold Hawkeye was so badass, I wanted him to come back from the dead and be even more awesome. Alas!