Random: The Silmarillion, reduced

[nebroadwe]

Long years ago (six, actually), camwyn took up hir keyboard and wrote THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS. It begins thus:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.

And goes on from there. Share and enjoy.

Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I am somewhere between amused and appalled and go forth to share with fen.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I love this:

LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.

Even if it probably causes seismographs near Oxford to twitch.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Alas, I am not the Tolkien geek I should be to get all the little nuances, but I have many many Tolkien geek friends and have sent it to them for their amusement.

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I'm a total Tolkien geek, myself. (I was listening to the Rob Inglis recording of FOTR and noticing every time his script had a typo. I think I'm lost ...)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I have friends who could do that...alas, I could probably point out various versions of Robin Hood but Tolkien...well...I enjoyed the movies but only read the books because a Friend Insisted I Do So.

[evil-kat.livejournal.com]

Oh, I finally understand what was going on in that book!

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

Well, it does leave out a few important details:

GLAURUNG: I must leave my bed of treasure and ravage these hicks from the sticks.
TÚRIN: *sneak sneak sneak STAB!*
GLAURUNG: Ugh ...
TÚRIN: Die, foul worm! Nobody ravages my wife --
GLAURUNG: Sister.
TÚRIN: What?
BRANDIR: He said sister.
TÚRIN: What? *STAB*
BRANDIR: *dies*
TÚRIN: My sister's safe in Doriath --
MABLUNG: Sorry, we lost her. And your mom.
TÚRIN: WHAT?
GURTHANG: Dude, you're such an ass. Here, let me stab you.
TÚRIN: Oh, thanks. *dies*

But for broad outline, not bad at all.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

this sucks sums it up perfectly really. This was totally hysterical

[nebroadwe.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to decide whether it's too late to leave the author an appreciative comment.

[cornerofmadness.livejournal.com]

oh it's probably never too late,