Review: Snow White and the Huntsman (Sanders)

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess lost her mother to illness and her father to a femme fatale with a Freudian excuse. She escapes from prison and joins forces with a huntsman, eight dwarves, a childhood playmate, and an army. Together they defeat the femme fatale and the princess is crowned queen. Everyone lives happily ever after, except the eighth dwarf, who gets killed. The end.

Oh, my aching brain. Do not see this movie. Do not pay money to see it; do not buy or rent the DVD; do not watch it on television. I have never been so bored and irritated in a theater in my life. This film has no plot -- things just happen, one after the other. The characters are pretty or gritty (depending on the lighting) meat puppets spouting portentous dialogue that doesn't convey any sense of inner life. The actors' talents are criminally wasted: Charlize Theron has two gears, glare and screech; Chris Hemsworth's accent is so thick I had trouble understanding him; Bob Hoskins must have been taking Valium in his coffee for the entire shoot; and Kristen Stewart is a complete cipher. (Ian McShane as the head dwarf seems to be the only person actually enjoying himself.) Thematically, the piece is a mess; it's unclear how or why Snow White's Incorruptible Pure Pureness allows her to defeat the wicked queen, whose backstory of abuse and revenge is frankly the most coherent and compelling piece of storytelling the film manages to put across. It's not unusual for villains to be more interesting than heroes, but when I can't root for the heroes ... well. Eight words, Universal: I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE PEOPLE.

Bletch. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Thank goodness for a new episode of The Legend of Korra to take the bad taste out of my mind ...