Recommendation: Shakespeare shook up

If Damon Runyan had written Henry the Fifth, it might have sounded a little like this (as transcribed by the late lamented John M. Ford):

So let me put it thusly, boss, and youse
Who is the molls and goons and likewise guys
To him who is your leader. You got nix
To keep you outta French guys’ speaks and joints,
But some bull from this mouthpiece Pharamond,
"In terram Salicam mulieres ne succedant,"
"No doll can get the goods in Salic land,"
Which neighborhood those Frogs make like what is
The French North Side, which this guy Pharamond,
Pulled out of his own keister, so to speak.
Yet judges bought with their own moolah say
This Salic property is German, like
Up in Detroit and on the Pittsburgh side,
Where Big Chuck having whacked the Saxon gang,
They set up shop and started making gin.
And, since they did not fancy German dolls
(Though I got no such preferences myself)
They made this regulation that no broad
Can wear no pants up in no Salic land.

Included also are Harry's confrontation with the Dauphin's ambassador ("Dolphins do not swim too good with sharks") and the French princess's English lesson ("Sauf votre honneur, en verite, vous prononcez les mots aussi droit que les natifs de Brooklyn"). Warning: do not read while drinking splorkable liquids.

      For more Runyan pastiche, see Diane Duane's novel-in-progress The Big Meow which (among other things) seems to be imagining what would happen if Mr. Runyan found himself in the middle of the kind of story usually associated with his contemporary Mr. Lovecraft. The first six chapters are available for free perusal.